Every Anxious and Serene Thought on my Bumbling into Forty
It has been a long short journey. As I look forward to this new milestone, I wonder how I am already here when I have so much left to do.
I'm approaching forty.
It has been a long short journey getting here. As I look forward to this new milestone, I wonder how I am already here when I have so much left.
Here are a few things I hope not to continue doing in my forties and beyond.
I am a few weeks away from turning forty. On some levels, I had achieved the goals I set out for myself when I was younger. But, I am still reaching toward a better tomorrow. I am still trying to get to where I call the shots and am not at the mercy of other shot callers.
I am close to having the home office I always wanted, if not already there. There is always more than I can have, but I already have what I need.
The grass is always greener. I have been guilty of assuming I am always missing out on something. I tend to focus on what is next or the future instead of enjoying the present.
It took a pandemic and a toxic work environment to realize I finally needed to let go a little. Otherwise, I will be fifty, yet still trying to reach the end game with my life already lived.
I now know I need to live in the present and take a moment to savor what I have. To remember the friends and family I have. Focus on more now and in the future.
I am not sure what my life will be like in five years. But I know I am finally laying the groundwork so that I will be more of a master of my destiny. More of a master of my time. More of a master of when I work and when I don't.
Writing has long been a passion of mine. But it's a passion I was afraid of for the longest time. Fearing what I love the most is ironic. Fear of failure has kept me taking leaps more times than I can count.
Part of this is focusing on a particular kind of "what-if." One where failure is NOT the only option. My "what-if" focus came with a voice started by others who often argued against my ambitions.
Family, friends, and professors have argued against me from trying. And others say they didn't have faith in what I could do. I have run into this most of my life: being underestimated.
The lesson from said disappointment is to care less what people think of you. The ancient Stoics have preached about. “How Not to Give a Fuck" has tried to put it into modern terms. The other lesson is to have more faith in oneself.
I've written poorly worded emails—some well-intended screenplays. And I attempted to write the most extraordinary novel of my generation. Though I did not achieve what I wanted, I did the work. I created content that many thought I wasn't even capable of doing.
And no one can or will ever take that away from me.
Life will go on after I turn forty.
The world will keep revolving and orbiting the sun long after I have shuffled off my mortal coil. When younger, I felt like I had all the time in the world. Now, I already feel like I have no time.
Time never stops ticking. What we value during time's ticking is up to us. And no one else but us.