How I Abandoned Writing and What I Needed to Do About It

Many of us associate our identities with what we do for a living. Even after blogging and self-publishing a novel, I hesitated to call myself a writer. A novel that has already disappeared into obscurity. Then I went through two periods of not writing. And a long period where I didn't write at all.

Where Did it All Go Wrong?

It's hard to say how this happened. Other than a feeling of absolute dread and uncertainty which overtook me.

I moved forward with life and a career I thought I needed but did not want. I was trying to find a way to make more money while existing in a world where people like myself have to hustle to get what we want.

But the hustle proved rather tricky. And there was a time I didn't give myself a chance to succeed.

You Need Time, Isolation, and Focus

Writing requires time.

Writing requires isolation.

Writing requires focus.

Time, isolation, and stress were things I would have, but not when I wanted them. And not for what I needed them to be.

I sometimes tried to focus on writing the morning before work. Getting up super early so that I could push out words before commuting in a pre-pandemic world.

Getting up early proved more challenging as my work became more complex and needed more from me. As I started to spend longer days in the office, getting up early was no longer an option.

When presented with nothing but time and isolation in the pandemic, I deferred this focus to Zelda: Breath of the Wild.

The Turning Point

It took a long time to get my act together and begin writing like a demon out of hell with nothing to lose.

Most of what held me back was fear. And frustration with myself.

I also found myself feeling overwhelmed by my ambition. I needed to be productive and repetitive with writing while at the same time trying to write all the things I wanted to write. I have about a dozen ideas dancing in my head.

Sometimes I daydream about one of the stories I want to write. Then an idea of another story flashes into my head while showering or walking the dog.

Getting Things Done

I finally wrote down everything I wanted to do one fine day. Then I tried every tool imaginable to help plan, prep, and plot my ambition. I started with a notebook, tried mind mapping, and tested Notion and Airtable to get these thoughts organized and written.

This did not happen. It took me weeks to get this together. And in the middle of this need to get everything organized and prepped, I realized I was also using this act as a convenient distraction from actually writing.

Yet, I did finally succeed, and it was at that moment I realized I could do this and get all this done. Maybe not as fast as I want to, but I will get it all done, one way or another.

Perhaps perseverance is the lesson here? Or learning to never give up on yourself? Even if your day, finding a way to convince our harshest critic that we can do whatever we want. And sometimes, having patience in knowing we will get there, one way or another.